as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
they should create new variants of dopamine
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
😭😭😭😭
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans