Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches