Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.