Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters