as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.