Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

When someone trying to leave me

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

I bet birds love this building.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble