As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.