If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead
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Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
American Horror Story:
RED BULL: gives you wings
WELL READ BULL: teaches you dynamics of flight
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”