Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Discuss

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan