As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
weaknesses
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Florida be like…
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card