As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
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I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?