As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
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This poor dog
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
SF is the wild wild west man
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Finally a use for spoilers…
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!