As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.