As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.