Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

🍞🦆

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.