Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Sharon, call the vet

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”