as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012