As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
#Caturday
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Breaking news:
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
