As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
😭😭😭
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up