As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.