As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related