As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
