As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Breaking news:
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.