As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Mike is short for Micycle
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
12. I think about this all the damn time
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”