As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁