“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.