“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.