“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Monday
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter