Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

SF is the wild wild west man

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books