Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Mouse

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements