Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.