As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls