Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.