As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
this made my day 😂
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”