Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

watching gymnastics

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

Not today. 😅

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.