As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.