As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.