As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
They’re not wrong
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.