As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.