As a doctor, I can confirm
You Might Also Like
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.