Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

thats my bad

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing