As a doctor, I can confirm
You Might Also Like
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
*puts my mental health in rice
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.