As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Geez man, take it easy.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.