Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Glasses

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.