As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”