Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

Me as a therapist: omg same

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.