As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!