As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!