As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.