As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good