As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.