As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked