Me: I never lie.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Falling in love on Twitter.
Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
Anyone want to volunteer to dress up as a dragon for me and kidnap my girlfriend?
I always wanted to save a princess.
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.