Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*me flirting
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Well, this explains it:
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers