As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old