As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.