Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car