As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
PARKOUR
