As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.