Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
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4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.