Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.