As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
I need better friends
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.