As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever