As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow