As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
You Might Also Like
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
favorite tropes as memes
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I feel this so hard
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.