Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

[loses house key, starts a new life]

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*