Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Kids: Stay in school.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat