As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
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[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
At ease
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations