Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.