Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?