As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Its a hippotatomus
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.