As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
guys i’ve cracked the code
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My recliner and I go way back
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.