Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.