As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
saving face 👀
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind