As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.