As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
They also CAN sing✌️
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
idk what this dog had been going through but same
