Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

I didn’t realize that was an option

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone