As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
where the womens at?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I see a badly-tied bin liner.